Chapter 45: Christmas With the Grannies

All the Christmas Drama and mayhem at our house was off set by the simplicity of Christmas at Granny’s.

By this I mean, my Mother’s Mother, not my Father’s Mother, who was safely packed away to the State Hospital for the Insane in Staunton and, later, Petersburg.

But we did have to go visit my Father’s Mother, Granny Susie, AKA Susan Catherine Rush Michaels,  sometime around Christmas.  This was always an ordeal.

This was before there was an Interstate Highway to Staunton, so we had to travel along winding mountain roads to get there.  With not many restaurants or gas stations to stop.

A few times, my Great Aunts wanted to go along.  Aunt Lily and Little Mary were her sisters and her brother Joe’s wife, Big Mary, usually went along, too.  The one trip I remember was when we still had the station wagon- before Daddy flipped it coming home in an ice storm from Earl’s Bar and Grill.  They were all lined up in the back seat in their black wool coats, hats and white gloves.  Aunt Lily would always pack her lunch and refuse to share it.  When I was about 5 or 6, I asked once and she told me I should have planned better.

Before we would go on this journey, my Mother would go to Belk’s Basement, where the cheap stuff was, and buy Granny Susie’s Christmas presents.  My Mother would have died before she bought anything for herself or us there, but she thought it was just fine for Granny Susie.  She also said it was the only place she could find some of the things, like garters and panties with longer legs, that Granny Susie preferred.  Or so she said.

She would always go down into Belk’s Basement and announce to everyone:  “I’m just here to pick up a few things for Herman’s Mother!  It’s not for us!”  People would look at her strangely, but she made her point.

She also refused to step foot in the Kreskie’s Department Store or allow us to go there because “poor people shop there.”

After I was about 7 or 8, I would sometimes take the bus downtown or across town to see my Grandmother.  I was a very urban child.

Once, while traveling cross town alone, I could not resist the temptation to stop to go into Kreskie.  I also could not resist telling my Mother I had done so.  She was horrified and said:  “Please tell me no one we know saw you there.  They might think we are having hard times and I sent you.”  Then she got on the phone to tell all her friends that I had disobeyed her and that all was well with us.  She told them, in case anyone said anything, curiosity was the only reason I was in Kress.

Anyway…

Once we got to Staunton, we had to wait in the car while my Father went in to spring Granny Susie for the afternoon.  While we waited, other crazy women would crawl over the car and beat on the windows and ask for quarters and cigarettes.  It was quite festive.  I wouldn’t see similar behavior again until Junior High School.

I’m not quite sure why my parents made my sister and I go along on this trip, as Granny  Susie really didn’t have much interest in us.  And she would ignore my Mother because she blamed her, justifiably,  for having her put away.

Once this was over, we could go back to our usual Christmas focus:  Presents.

My favorite part of Christmas was spending time at what I considered my real Granny’s- my Mother’s Mother’s house.

Granny really loved Christmas.  She was like a big child.

Her simple house in the Mill Village always had a real tree and a coal fire going in the living room fireplace.  It was the only time she really used the living room in the winter as the only source of heat, other than the fireplace, was in the room off the kitchen that was like a den/dining room.  The bedrooms had no heat, but she said that was fine because she could store her Christmas baking in them and it was not healthy to sleep with heat.  Quilts were fine.

My Uncle Wiseman lived with my Grandmother.  He was a real trip.  He had not left the house since some time in the late 1940’s.  Today we would call him Agoraphobic.  Then, he was just crazy Uncle Wiseman.  But my Mother never suggested putting him away…He was really  into Christmas, too, as long as it could be ordered from the Sears Catalog.

My Aunt Goldie lived in Charlotte, but still master minded Christmas at Granny’s.  And paid for it.  She is the only person I ever knew who was more of a planner and control freak than me.  She would start dropping off wrapped presents late in the summer on her trips “home” to Danville.

Granny and I were always dying to know what was in these presents, but Goldie had threatened our lives if we touched them.

One year, after Thanksgiving, Granny could not take the suspense any longer. For someone with no real education, Granny had surprisingly good Critical Thinking Skills.    One day, her eyes lit up and she said “Razor Blades” and scurried out of the room.  She came back with the blades and suggested we carefully cut the Scotch tape, then re-wrap the packages exactly as Goldie had left them.

I can’t remember if my sister was old enough to participate, but Granny and I carefully cut the tape and checked out all our gifts while Wiseman wrung his hands and said he was sure Goldie would catch us and there would be hell to pay.

He was right.  None of us could get them back just like Goldie had them.  She came home, saw them and was furious.

After that, she started wrapping all her gifts using lots of yarn or ribbons that she knew we could not easily remove and replace.  She also used about a roll of Scotch tape on every package.  It took forever to get the damn things open on Christmas Day and required several pair of scissors, and the occasional pocket knife, be available to facilitate the process.

That little house was an oasis and those people made Christmas truly special.  Nothing like Temple Terrace or Staunton.

There was no competition and nothing to prove.  It was just about fun and family and enjoying the holidays while plotting behind their backs.

That’s what Christmas means to me…

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Chapter 44: Haul Out the Holly

When I was growing up in Danville, Virginia, decorating for Christmas was always a very big deal.

My Mother’s goal in life, for several years, was to win the Temple Terrace Women’s Club Home Decorating Contest.   Even though she was President of the Club, for several years, she still never won.  And she was not above “putting in the fix” if she could have figured out how to do so.

I was never quite sure what the Temple Terrace Woman’s Club did.  Our neighborhood was called Temple Terrace and we never really knew why…All I know is my Mother was inordinately proud of the fact that the Club once voted on something by placing their ballots in one of her brass trash cans and everyone commented on how clean it was.  Thanks to the maid, I might add.

The Temple Terrace Women’s Club  had a dish towel sale one year.  I don’t know what it was supposed to benefit, but we had several cases of dish towels in our basement for several years.  Some were still there even after 50 years…

Anyway, the whole production always began with unpacking the Christmas decorations that were stored under the stairs behind a fake, paper fireplace.

She had this cardboard fireplace and she would drag it out every Christmas season and place against the wall in the basement. She would always look meaningfully at my Father and say “Maybe someday I’ll have a real fireplace.” We were all sick to death of that ratty, tacky paper one and her dragging it out each year…He eventually gave in, remodeled the basement  and built her a real one.

Anyway….

While she knew the Club went for simplicity, she never could quite restrain herself.  She would always place the wreaths on the front window and door, but she couldn’t stop there.  There had to be more.

My sister and I were no help.  We were always fascinated by the houses that put up lots of lights and stuff.  We would push for that look.

My Father was the only one with a sense of restraint.  I don’t know if it was his FFV heritage or because he was cheap.  When we would point to the gaudily decorated houses and ask to do the same, he would say:  “I’m not hanging a bunch of crap on my house so a bunch of white trash can ride by and wonder if we can pay our electric bill in January.”

He limited her to three white spotlights, no matter how hard she fought…

That lack of simplicity is what cost her The Title.

This was during the secular ’60’s and she had this plastic Manager Scene she just had to use.  The Holy Family all had light bulbs inside them so you could see them from the street.  My Father thought it was the tackiest thing he had ever seen, so he just drank his way through her annual decorating binge.

The rest of use would have been just as happy dancing around a pagan bonfire celebrating Yule.  To us, the true meaning of Christmas revolved around shopping, presents and parties.  We never quite understood her focus on the Manger Scene.

After she got her real fireplace, she insisted my Father use some of the logs to make a backdrop for her nativity scene.  Then she would want to move it around to make sure it got maximum exposure with her limited number of spotlights.

I’ll never forget one year we were decorating in 20 degree weather, my Father was drinking beer and she kept asking the log Manger backdrop to be moved and reassembled.  My Father finally cracked and said:  “Goddamn it, Lou.  Make up your mind where you want the damn manger or I’m going to leave them all laying in the yard and tell people the Manson Family got them.”

Her one concession was one year she admitted:  “I think they are going for the simple, Williamsburg look.  I think we need to take the light bulb out of the Baby Jesus.”

She also had to have candles in the front windows.  She had some very pretty candelabras in the windows in my sister’s room.  She bought them and replaced the blue bulbs they came with with red ones, that being her favorite color.  I won’t question the appropriateness of putting red lights in her daughter’s bedroom window as I’m sure she never thought of that…

One year, I was reading about alternate religions in  ChildCraft and discovered Hanukkah.  I realized these “candelabras” were really Menorahs.  I was so excited.  I ran to my Mother and explained it all to her.

She went very pale.  She had been using these Menorahs for years and now she was afraid people would think we were Jewish.  How they might think we might be Jewish with the plastic Manager Scene, I’m not quite sure.  But, in those days, religious confusion could get one run out of the Temple Terrace Woman’s Club.

That was the beginning of my fascination with Judaism.  Hanukkah sounded like much more fun than Christmas because you got presents every night for eight days.

Over the years, the decorating became less important.  She lost interest once there was no prize to be won- or lost.

She just didn’t seem to ever enjoy decorating for the sake of decorating and celebrating a festive time of year just for the festivities themselves.  She lost interest and started talking about Christmas being a burden.

I hope we never hit that point in life.

We love to decorate and enjoy this special time of year.  We have our Christmas decorations, our Menorahs and our Kwanza decorations.  We also are aware of the pagan significance of the December holidays and celebrate that, too.

To me, that’s what it’s all about.  The celebration of the birth of a religion that tells people to love they neighbor as themselves and to do unto others as you would have them do to you.  The celebration of the miracle of lights.  The celebration of a bountiful harvest and a celebration of nature.

Celebration isn’t about decorations, but they sure do help….

Who gives a damn about the prizes?

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Chapter 43: The Help

I can’t encourage you enough to read the book “The Help” by Kathryn Stockett.  If you haven’t read it, put it on your Christmas Wish List.  If you have read it, give it to your friends.

I’ve never read a truer book about the interaction between black women who worked as Maids in the early 1960’s and their “white ladies.”

Although the book is set in Mississippi, it could very well have been set in Danville, Virginia.  I remember those days too well.

People seem to already be forgetting that the South in those days, from Richmond to Mobile, was like South Africa under Apartheid.  I was in South Africa in 1997 and felt just like I did in Virginia in 1965.

Everyone had a place and stayed in it.  But the times were beginning to change…

In the 1960’s, the bus line ran near our house.  The corner of Brook Drive and Lansbury Drive was a major stop for the Maids.  Six or seven women would get off the bus around 7:30 or 8:00 a.m. and walk back down there to go home around 6:00 or so.  Some of them wore their bedroom shoes to work as their feet were so tired and broken down from standing all day, all they could wear were scuffs.

Most of the White Ladies in Temple Terrace had maids.  They didn’t have jobs, but they had Maids.  I remember our “car pool” for Miss Touchstone’s Kindergarten, our Mothers would throw a London Fog all-weather coat over their pajamas to take us to “school” and only get dressed and made up around 4:30 before our Fathers came home from work.  I don’t know what they did in the meantime…

Back then, a Maid in Danville was paid around $5 a day, as I recall, as I couldn’t believe how little they were paid even then.

For this $5, they cleaned the house, ironed everything from sheets to boxer shorts, sometimes cooked and frequently “minded” the children.  While the “Lady” of the house tried to figure out what the hell to do with her life- besides take Valium and wait for her husband to come home.  We even had a special refrigerator downstairs just to put the damp laundry in to wait for the Maid to come iron it.  If anyone actually washed it besides her…

This led to institutions, such as the Temple Terrace Women’s Club, with no purpose other than to give the White Women something to do with their time.

I will point out, we were from “comfortable” families, but we were not rich.  The income distribution in the 1960’s was such that if you were a white man, you had it made.  And you had a Maid.

“The Help” totally captures this world.  And you see the Maid’s side of life that we never saw back then…

I remember reading “The Help” this summer and just being blown away.  I saw several of our Maids in the book.  And I saw my Mother.  She was a mix of the characters Elizabeth, Hilly and Celia.  I recognized both Abilene and Minnie from our Maids.

I was taken back in time and made to remember things I had long forgotten.

As a reminder, my Mother was a poor girl who married somewhat better.  My Father’s family had had “Help” for as many generations as could be remembered.  Some under circumstances I still can’t deal with discussing…He just expected her to know how to manage the Maids.

But she could not keep a Maid…That was a big bone of contention between them early on.  Truth was:  The Help scared and intimidated her.

Now mind you, no one needed “help” more than my Mother.  She couldn’t/wouldn’t cook, clean or iron.  She really wasn’t interested in raising children.  Someone had to do it….

The first Maid I remember was Evelyn.  She was a very warm and kind lady.  She reminded me of my Grandmother.  She knew how to lead my Mother along.  Evelyn came several times a week and one of those days, my Mother “loaned” her to a neighbor who was getting ready for a party.

Evelyn had a heart attack and died standing over this woman’s ironing board.

My Mother always hated that neighbor, going forward, for killing her best Maid.  But she never recognized Evelyn as more than a Maid.  I’m not sure she even recognized Evelyn as a person.  Evelyn was someone who was helping her navigate her new social position and she was too stupid to realize that.  Many years later, I still see Evelyn’s warm and wise face.  In “The Help” terminology, she was an “Abilene”.

Then my Mother had a string of “Minnie’s.”  These were younger proud Black women who were Maids, but didn’t really like it and didn’t take any guff.  They intimidated the hell out of her.  The two I remember most were Shirley and Wivonia.  They did their jobs but would not take any of her foolishness, didn’t like her, didn’t really want to work for her and it was very clear.  She was way too trifling for them.  They just wanted to get out of there with good references.  They ate her up and spit her out and she found some reason to let them go as “Just not right for Me.”

The last two maids I also remember very well.  They were Mildred and Frances.

Mildred was a “Minnie”.  She was strong, proud and scared the hell out of my Mother.  She did her job well, but would not take her foolishness.  She scared my Mother so much, she finally had to get my Father to fire her- on the grounds it was “just not working out.”

My Father really resented this….He did not see managing the Maids as his role and this was one of the early breaks in their marriage.  He expected my Mother to be pretty, entertain well, raise his children appropriately and manage “The Help” and the house.  She eventually failed on all points….

Mildred terrorized my Mother for the rest of her life.  She challenged her life vision.

Once Mildred left us, she went back to school and eventually went to work at G.C. Murphy’s discount department store and eventually became the manager.  The first Black Woman to ever do achieve this position with that company.

This blew my Mother’s mind.  Every time we went into Murphy’s, Lou would ask:  “Where’s Mildred?  I need to say hello.  Can you believe she used to be my Maid?  I’m so proud of her.”  Mildred would come speak to us, the picture of dignity with a key ring around her neck, and say:  “It’s so good to see you Mrs. Michaels.  The children really have grown.  But, I need to get back to my work, now.”

A couple of points here….A Maid would have called my Mother “Miss Lou” and they both knew it.  Being called “Mrs. Michaels” implied a causal, social aquaintance on equal social footing.  They both knew it.  It was a game people played back then…

Frances was our last Maid.  She was an “Abilene” and reminded me so much of Evelyn.  She was a very warm, kind, gentle woman.  She knew how to handle Lou and all was well…

Until she fell down our stairs and sprained her ankle…

This put my Father into full panic mode.  He lived in fear of being sued.  He told my Mother she had to handle the situation.  He told her to go take a food basket to Frances’ house and check in on her.  He frankly said: “I don’t want that bitch taking everything I’ve worked for.  You need to difuse this situation.”

God, this led to a battle equal to World War II.

My Mother flat-out refused to go to the Maid’s house.  My Father called her every name in the book.  He told her she was lazy, pretentious and trifling.  He told her if she wanted to keep her house and her lifestyle, it was time she acted her role.  Otherwise, she could go to hell.

You had to talk that way to my Mother to get her to do anything she didn’t want to do.  You still do….

She agreed, but she made a major production of it.  The trip to Calvary did not take as long as her maquillaje.

One of the few motto’s I share with my Mother is: “When over stressed, over dress.”

She poured on a half gallon of Elizabeth Arden “Blue Grass” cologne.  She put on one of her nicest wool crepe dresses-in a pale tan/ dark beige with a strategically placed broach.  Her pearls.  Spent an hour on her make-up.  Put on her favorite darker tan Rippe’s coat- with the Mink Collar and three-quarter length sleeves with matching Mink Cuffs.  Elbow length tan kid gloves.  Four inch beige heals…And a tan tam.  Yes, a tam…

She was almost ready to go see the Maid.

My Father had put together a food box.  My Mother made him go get a basket….

Once he did that, the Lady Bountiful of Temple Terrace was ready to go see the Maid.  She acted more like Marie Antoinette going to the guillotine.

We all piled into my Father’s Ford LTD and went off to Frances’ house.

We pulled up in front and my Mother said:  “Aren’t you going in with me?”

He said: “Hell, no.  She’s your Maid.  Get your ass out of my car and go deal with this.”

She shot him a look that would have killed someone not used to it by now…

She got the basket and walked up the steps and up the walk to the house and went in the door.

Five minutes later, she came walking back out as fast as a White Woman could walk in 4 inch heals.  She dove into the car and slammed the door.   She looked at my Father and said:  “I did it, now get me out of here.  I never want to go back here again.  It was awful.  Frances was propped up in a chair with her leg up and there were Black people everywhere.  It was a four room house and I can’t count how many people were in there….”

My Father said:  “Hell, Lou.  You are from a four room house in Schoolfield (the Mill Village), it should have seemed like old home week to you.”

Frances never came back to work for us after this.  She got a job working the line at the local cafeteria.  We would sometimes see her when we went there for Sunday lunch.  She would call my Mother “Miss Lou” and nod.  Lou would say:  “Hello, Frances.  So good to see you.”

And we would go on with our lives.  She never sued us.

My Mother didn’t have another Maid for 25 years.

Read “The Help”.

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Chapter 42: AIDS in a Small Southern Town

December 1st is World AIDS day and I feel like I need to comment on this…

The AIDS epidemic was one of the defining events of my life.  It all began when I was in my early 20’s and no one, who was not there, can imagine the fear and confusion, the hate and the love, that resulted from this health crisis.

People forget, that in the early days, no one knew what was causing it or why Gay Men were suddenly getting sick and dying.

All of us were wondering who was next.  Would it be one of our friends?  Could we get it ourselves?  How were you exposed to it?  What was our personal risk level?  Were our young lives going to be cut short before we even figured out who we were?

AIDS blew open a lot of closet doors.  Not the best way to “out” people.  No one could have wanted that result, but it did make a lot of people face the fact, for the first time in their lives, that they actually knew Gay people.

A lot of people acted with grace and concern.  A whole new dynamic emerged in the Gay Community.  People pulled together in ways not seen before.  People got mad and people supported each other.  A true Community was formed- based on mutual concern and not just on parties and pleasure.

A lot of people-Gay and Straight- also acted with hate and judgement.

A lot of people just hoped it would go away and didn’t want to talk about it.  Until Rock Hudson got sick, most people, outside the Gay Community, just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away.  Somehow a Hollywood Icon becoming ill changed the dynamic and removed some of the “stigma.”  Elizabeth Taylor stepped up and lent her celebrity to fundraising.  It became a cause…

I’ve said this many times:  I’ll never forgive Ronald Reagan, the Republicans and the Religious Right for not allowing this to be addressed as a public health issue.  Too many people died too tragically young while politicians and religious “leaders” like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson sat in judgement and delayed a proper health care crisis response.

And AIDS came to Danville, Virginia.  I actually thought it might be safe there.  That’s one of the reasons I ended up back there and didn’t try to get out sooner.  I and many other young, Gay men were suddenly afraid to go to the big cities where so many were dying and thought it might be safer to hide out in the hinterlands.

We were Wrong.

My friend Andre was the first person I knew to get AIDS and die.  He denied he had AIDS as long as he could.  Dennis was next.  His family said it was cancer.  No one wanted to admit why these young men were dying.  It’s how people handled it then.

I remember when I came out to my Mother and had one of many fights about being Gay.  The first thing I did was quickly point out that I knew at least 6 guys in Temple Terrace,  within blocks of our house, who were Gay.  Three of them are gone now…

She claimed I had to be lying or that it must be some sort of conspiracy.  That there was no way there could be that many Gay people in Temple Terrace.  And I hadn’t even mentioned the Lesbians…It was a conspiracy.  One of silence and fear.

When one of those Temple Terrace guys got sick, his Mother told everyone that he had AIDS and had come home.  She said it was not something to be ashamed of and if people didn’t like it, they could stay away from her and her business.  She was a very brave woman in that time and place…

Somehow,  Steve and I dodged the bullet and are still here- healthy and happy.

Today, AIDS is viewed more as a chronic, treatable condition by many people.  That’s not completely true.  Drug resistant strains are starting to appear.  People still die from AIDs.  Just not in the numbers we saw in the 80’s.

And people have forgotten the fear.  People have forgotten what it was like to see vibrant 20-year-old guys get sick and die.  People have forgotten what it was like to learn about death before you really knew about life.  People have forgotten that some of us lost more friends while we were in our 20’s than most people used to lose until they were in their 50’s.

I wish some of the younger guys still had some of this fear.  I can only pass on my memories in hopes that young men and women today are still being careful and not taking chances that could alter their lives forever…

AIDS came to Danville just like it came to New York, San Francisco, Washington, Richmond and Greensboro.  It’s still there, here and everywhere.  We are just used to seeing it now.  It’s become a “normal” part of life.

That’s frightening in a completely different way….

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Chapter 41: In the Basement, Part 2

The basement renovations were completed just in time for my teenage years.

The basement became my domain.  My sister did not seem interested in it and my Father grudgingly shared it.  My Mother pretty much ignored it and stayed in her room with “inner ear” issues.

My Mother always used “inner ear” issues to get out of doing anything she didn’t want to do.  No matter what it was…if she didn’t want to do it or deal with it, she went to bed with “inner ear”.  I think that was a pseudonym for Valium.

In any event, my Father and I thoroughly enjoyed the new basement.

We did have some issues to work out.  I expected the new bath to be mine exclusively.  He explained that a)  I was not a Rockefeller and b) his main reason for redoing the basement was to avoid sharing a bathroom with my Mother and Sister.

I grudgingly allowed him to use the new bathroom also…I didn’t like it, but I dealt with it.

The new basement continued to be the party room.

The hard part was evicting my Father from the parties.

As I have said, Daddy liked his bourbon.  And his beer.  He loved to sit in his recliner in front of the TV and drink and smoke his pipe.  I think he also loved the fact my Mother generally stayed upstairs and I generally stayed in my new bedroom and played show tunes.  He finally had some peace, if not quiet.

Daddy liked his music, too.  He loved to listen to opera.  He loved the Texaco Opera Theatre and would listen to it in the car on NPR while waiting for me to finish my piano lessons on Saturdays.  He would also play opera records on the stereo in the den.  He also really got into “Evita” with Patti Lupone, when I bought that record in the late 1970’s.  That raised some uncomfortable questions about Daddy that I would just as soon ignore.

He also loved to drink with my friends.  One friend in particular.  Whenever this friend came over, he would offer to buy her beer and sit and chat with her.  I will point out, it was legal to drink at 18 in those days and this friend was a lesbian.  Daddy didn’t know that- and she didn’t admit or  acknowledge it then, but he loved to drink beer with her anyway.  She was the first one of my friends to smuggle booze into the house for one of our parties.  She poured a bottle of white wine into a Sprite bottle when we were about 15…

She was also the only person who could speak to him as an equal.  I’ll never forget how annoyed we were when he bought my sister a new car when she was 15 years/eight months old.  We had no right to be annoyed as it was a Chevette, but still, I had to pay for my used Chevy Vega.

She was the one who had the nerve to ask him why he did that.  He told her he thought his little girl had to have a new car so it wouldn’t break down.  He said, you didn’t have to worry about boys and their cars breaking down, but what would she do if her car broke down?  My friend said:  “If she had any goddamn sense, she would call a tow truck.”  They agreed to disagree…

To back track a bit, I remember the first big party we had in the new basement.  It was bout 1974 when I was about 16.  It was a “make out” party.  The whole purpose of having a party was to get to the last hour when you lowered the lights and made out to Oliva Newton John, The Carpenters or Bread.

Not knowing I was Gay yet, I thought the party was about atmosphere.  The First National Bank of Danville gave away all these free oil lamps when you opened a Christmas Club.  My family had dozens of Christmas Clubs so we had lots of cheap oil lamps.  I decided it would be fun to use them for atmosphere.

Once the lights went down, I lit the oil lamps.  No one realized until it was over that the damn things put out so much smoke and soot. And it was during the summer when girls wore white tops.  There were quite a few surprises and hustling to fix things when the lights went up.  The ceiling is still stained with that soot….

We always knew when Daddy had had too much to drink.  He would put on his Japanese records.  He had been in Japan with the Army of Occupation at the end of World War II and brought home all these 78 rpm records of Japanese music.  No one knew what the hell they were about. But my friends would sit and listen as long as he kept the drinks coming…

Over the years, we always gathered in the basement den for cocktails.  The bar area was in the back hall.  I had one friend who drank rather quickly.  Right before my father died, he came over to visit and kept making repeat trips to the bar.  My father suggested he just move his chair back there since he was obviously there for the drinks and not the company.  That friend, to this day, has not gotten over the fact that my father’s last words to him were: “Why don’t you move your chair closer to the bar?”

I was in the basement again last week.  After my Father died and we left home, my Mother stopped using it.  She lived upstairs and left the basement alone.  It’s musty and neglected now.  It needs someone else to redo it again.  It needs to be reclaimed by some other people who will use it as more than a musty storage area.

There’s just too much life in that basement to just let it be….

 

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Chapter 40: In the Basement

There has always been a myth that New Englanders locked their crazy relatives in the attic.  Everyone knows, in the South, most of ours roam free.

However in the 1970’s another phenomenon occurred:  People started putting their teenagers in the basement.

It seems almost all of my friends of that era had their bedrooms in their basements.

Most of our parents grew up in old houses so they bought the new ranch houses, that were so popular in the 1950’s and 1960’s,  for themselves.  Almost all of these houses had basements that our parents “finished” for use as recreation rooms and dens as well as a convenient place to stash their teenagers out of their way.

Our basement was always partially finished.  There was a den and a laundry room down there and a half bath that was wide open to the back of the basement.  My father also had a 30 foot “J” shaped bar down there.  All done in knotty pine paneling.  The real, wood stuff.

This was quite convenient in the early years of my parent’s marriage.  When my Father and his friends had too much to drink, my Mother could simply lock the door and keep them in the basement.  She didn’t have to be bothered or worry about them.

There are countless home movies of parties and holidays in that old basement.  And everyone seemed happy then…

My Mother always wanted a new, larger house in a better neighborhood.  Preferably in South Danville.  She was always convinced that the “power” in Danville was all on the South side of town and that it had been a strategic mistake to buy a home on the North side.

They spent years looking at new houses in the late 1960’s.  Finally, in 1969 or 1970, my Father put his foot down:  “No New House.  We are going to redo the basement.”

My Mother did not take this well…

I think once she realized she was not getting a new house, part of her just gave up.  On the bright side, she was less of a social climber and kinder and more open about growing up in the Mill Village.  She also started to get a little bit bitter and defeated.  More so every year thereafter…She knew she had gone as far as she was going socially and her hope seemed to die out…That was when she really began to blame everyone else for everything she did not like about her life and become even more self-centered and petulant…

The new basement began by ripping out everything in the old basement.  That wonderful knotty pine wood ended up in the dump.  They redid the entire thing in that horrible pressed wood fake paneling that was so popular then.  Another strategic mistake.

My Father did have to make some concessions to my Mother.

She had to have a fireplace.  For years, she had a cardboard, fake fireplace that she would drag out every Christmas season and place against the wall.  She would always look meaningfully at my Father and say “Maybe someday I’ll have a real fireplace.”  We were all sick to death of  that ratty, tacky paper one and her dragging it out each year…

So my Father had them put in a fireplace.  In an underground room.  It must have cost a fortune to dig down to the foundation, cut through the wall and build one.  But it achieved his goal:  Shut my Mother up without buying a new house.

My Father, being my Father, hired a contractor he “knew” which meant everything was done half-assed.  Due to his tendency to cut corners, my sister and I are going to have to deal with a lot of issues before we can sell that house.

The new basement had a den with a fireplace, and office and a laundry room.  There was a bar area in the back hall.  A new full bath-with a shower that leaked for years until it was finally ripped out and replaced.  A storage room as big as most bedrooms.

And a new bedroom for me where my Father’s bar had been.  Many people have commented over the years on how appropriate it was that a bar became my bedroom.

My Father gave my Mother free rein in decorating the new basement.  She put black and red carpet in the entire place.  With black accents.  A black fake leather sofa everyone hated and was totally uncomfortable.  Two new black and red recliners for them to sit in and watch Lawrence Welk and have cocktails in front of the fireplace.

And the fireplace was ready by Christmas of that year so we didn’t have to put up with her dragging that cardboard thing out again.  My Father gave the workers a case of beer and a bottle of bourbon to work all night and finish it before Christmas Eve.  That’s probably another reason so many things were screwed up…

My Mother said the decor was Spanish.  When I saw the crushed red velvet bedspread she had picked out for my room, I told her it was more like Early American Whorehouse.  Within a year I had destroyed that thing and gotten a much nicer corduroy one…

She managed to piss off both my sister and I by imposing her tastes on our bedrooms.

Except for the decor, I actually really liked that bedroom.  I was away from the rest of the family.  I could pretend they did not exist.  I could lock myself in there for hours and play show tunes and plot my escape.  It had a huge  closet–that I still miss as I’ve never had one that size since then.

This layout meant the downstairs was pretty much self-contained.  That’s the only thing that saved me when I moved back there after College…

Most of my friends had similar situations.  The basements were our domains.  Most of our parents didn’t really care what we did down there as long as they knew we were in the house and not on the streets.  They figured as long as we were in the house, we weren’t going to be buying drugs or running off to join the Manson Family, so anything else was acceptable.  And they really didn’t like to be bothered by us too much…

Dennis had almost his entire basement as his bedroom, study and lounge.  We would spend a lot of time down there in High School supposedly studying, but really drinking beer and smoking cigarettes.

Another friend shared his basement with his elderly Grandmother.  We never saw anything but her hand.  She would stick her hand out with a glass that we had to fill with Gin and then she would leave us alone…

One of my friends had a water bed in their basement bedroom.  That fascinated us immensely.

Another friend kept us waiting for hours in his basement while he got ready to go out.  We would chat with his Father while his Mother blew dry his hair.  This was the late 1970’s and properly blow dried hair was very important…and he was straight.

We kind of felt sorry for our friends who had bedrooms on the same floors as their parents.  That seemed to make it so hard to have any privacy and sneak out late at night…

Now most of us live in older homes and not ranch houses.  They cycle is complete.  We had to buy homes different from the ones we grew up in…

Almost none of us have basements.  Now kids seem to like living on the same floors as their parents.  We couldn’t have imagined that being a preferable situation.

We all wanted to be different from our parents and out of Danville.  That’s what we spent most of our time plotting in those basement rooms.  That, and drinking and smoking…

Basements now are seen as a liability.  They are not in fashion anymore…

But my guess is that someday, people will want them again.

They are such a great place to stash your teenagers…

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Chapter 39: My First Kiss

I’m walking a thin line with this blog.  I’m purposefully not mentioning most people who are still alive and active.  Unless they really piss me off…This also means the ones I do mention can’t fight back.

But, I won’t go further in this forum.  I love and respect my friends- and some of my family- too much to share secrets they might not want me to share. So far…

I’ll have to fictionalize things better if I do ever try to make this into a novel so I can cover more ground…

It does sometimes make me  a little sad to have so many important memories that I share about people who are no longer here..but I guess that’s one of the downsides to getting older.  You realize you have outlived some of the most important people in your life.

But you are still here, so they really are, too.  You carry the ones who are gone with you as part of yourself and your memories.  And that counts for a lot…

I’m going to talk about my first “real” kiss.  I think it’s a moment most of us remember.  How we remember it and what it meant changes over the course of time..

My friend Dennis gave me my first “real” kiss.  I mean no disrespect to the girls I kissed before, but this is the one I remember as the first “real one”.  This one counted.

I had a complicated relationship with Dennis.  He was brilliant, attractive, impetuous, totally secure and totally insecure all at the same time.

He was our superstar.   We all thought he would win a Tony, an Oscar and end up President of the United States.  He was the center of our high school universe.

Dennis was brilliant, talented and a mess.

When we went to see Dennis at his house, we never knew if we were going to find the Dennis who was totally together, sitting at his desk smoking and writing a brilliant tretise in Latin or the Dennis who was laying in his bed under the covers claiming to be too depressed to move and  waiting to be reborn as the Phoenix was…

He was a wonderful piece of work.

We all spent a lot of time at his house as his Mother was a “divorcee” and therefore out of town a lot.  In those days, Divorcee’s went to Greensboro for dates, with their toothbrushes in their purse, so people in Danville wouldn’t talk about them.

Apparently the Moral Majority drove by Divorcee’s homes to see if unusual cars were there overnight in those days….

My Mother certainly seemed to know every move his Mother made.  She was quite disturbed that we spent time at his house, but not enough to do anything about it.

Funny, but his Mother seemed to be the only happy Mother that we knew.  According to Dennis, her marriage to his father had been unhappy and abusive.  She was free and quite happy when we knew her.  I think any residual damage Dennis suffered came from the fact that their marriage lasted as long as it did.  And I think the other Mothers hated her for her guts and freedom.

I’ll never forget that we took a snow day off from school and built a “Snow Penis” in their front yard.  Most of our Mother’s would have been scandalized.  Dennis’ mom came home at lunch and said:  “Is that what I think it is?  If you make a bigger one, call me…”

We loved her and we loved Dennis.

I think all of the girls we knew and half of the boys were in love with him…

I never was…

I loved Dennis, but I was never in love with him.  I always thought he was too self centered, too self absorbed and a bit of a mess.  I somehow knew he would disappoint us- and he did…I tried to keep a bit of a distance between us….But even I was captivated by him at times.

I stopped by one night when I was about 17.  He was alone and talking with a friend  on the phone.  He let me know it was an older guy he was having an affair with.  I don’t know if it was physical or emotional at that point.  It doesn’t matter…

He got off the phone and sat back and lit a cigarette.  He offered me one and I had one also.  Then Dennis said, “I need to do something”.

He put his cigarette in the ashtray and leaned over and kissed me.  It was a soft, but firm kiss.  Brief, but lingering.  I started to shake uncontrolably.  Walls crashed and barriers broke.  I quickly patched them back together, caught my breathe and continued to shake.

Dennis said:  “I wanted to do that.  I needed to do that.  That’s all…one day you’ll take this farther, but not now…It was just the moment.  It’s from me and from my friend to let you know you are one of us…”

I sat there stunned and shaking.  My other friends came in a couple of minutes latter and we acted like nothing had happened.

But my world was never the same….

It took me 4 or 5 years until I kissed another man.  And it did go further because I was ready then…

But I’ll never forget the first, real kiss…

Or my friend Dennis….

Gone way too soon…

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Chapter 38: The Way We Were

“The Way We Were” has always been a very special film for me.

I remember being in the 8th grade and reading about it and dying to see it for months before it came out.  It lived up to all my expectations.

When I went to College, I expected it to be like this movie.  And, in many ways, it was.  We just had a lot of Hubbell’s and the Katie’s weren’t really seen.  But, on the whole, W&L and Sweet Briar in the late 1970’s really were kind of like this.  And it was beautiful in kind of an F. Scott Fitzgerald way.  It took many years later to see all the Fitzgeraldian layers…

This was one of the first movies Steve and I watched when we first got together.  It was a lovely, romantic night, but I remember him saying he felt like Katie to my Hubbell.  How little he knew then…

And it was the only time in my life I have ever been even symbolically compared to Robert Redford.

One of the reasons we made it, is we are both “Katie’s” politically….it just took me longer to realize it.

But I’ll never forget or regret, “The Way We Were”….

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Chapter 37: Brooks Brothers Is My Tiffany’s

A young friend of mine just saw “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” for the first time recently and it got me to thinking…

Holly Golightly, of course played by the one and only Audrey Hepburn,  always goes to Tiffany’s when the “mean reds” hit or she needs to feel safe and secure.  That’s how I feel about Brooks Brothers.

A lot has changed since I first discovered the Brothers Brooks when I was in college.

It was love at first sight.  I quickly realized that Sater’s and J.Berman’s, the premiere men’s stores in my home town, were pale imitations.  Let me tell you, once you try a Brooks Brothers shirt, nothing else will do.  Polo/Ralph Lauren was tempting for a while- especially during the brief era when BB quality slipped, but now that the quality is back at BB, their shirts can’t be beat.

I bet I have more white Brooks Brothers shirts than Don Draper has on “Mad Men”.  They last forever, get better with age and usually only have to be replaced due to, uh, weight fluctuations or overly zealous dry cleaners.

When I step into Brooks Brothers, it takes me back to a time when quality and classic style mattered.  It makes me feel secure.  There is nothing like a classic menswear store to bring out the Cary Grant in a man.

I’ve always been of the “I would rather have a few nice things than a bunch of junk” school of thinking.  I think this philosophy is pretty much gone.  Also gone area lot of  jobs that went to China, Mexico and other places as they took over manufacturing all this stuff so it could be sold cheaply enough for Americans to have lots of it.  Quantity became more important than Quality and the downstream costs are not always obvious.

Best I can tell, there are at least 2 generations that have no idea what it was like to buy quality merchandise.  Even today’s designer goods don’t have near the quality a Belk’s house brand had in 1970.  Today, the sizes (even for the same item) are inconsistent, patterns don’t match at seams, seams are sewn so close to the edge they come undone almost immediately, buttons are barely sewn on, fabric quality is poor, linings are missing or incomplete– except at Brooks Brothers.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m glad for a lot of the changes over time.  As a Gay man and a progressive Southerner, I’m very happy with the social progression of the country.  Just wish it could go faster…I still wonder why people don’t take to the streets like they did in the past to drive the change forward, but I guess the internet is the new street-and that’s another post….

Still, I’m disturbed by so many of the younger American people today, who I lovingly refer to, in code to Steve in public, as SJI’s (Slack Jawed Idiots).  These kids seem to have no idea of how to behave in restaurants, which fork to use, don’t understand that one dresses differently for the theatre or work than to wash the car, don’t get it that one behaves differently in public than in your Great (misnomer) Room at home and wear Bermuda shorts when it’s snowing.

That’s when I get the “mean reds” and need to go to Brooks Brothers.

Flannel Pants, Harris Tweed Jackets, Silk Ties, Cashmere Sweaters, Madras plaid shorts-in summer only, Khaki pants and quality Oxford Cloth Shirts can really soothe the nerves…

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This is a revised repost from February on my other blog:  www.lostinthe21stcentury.com

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Chapter 36: Why the South Votes Republican

I’ve thought a lot about this over the last few days as we head to another election.  For Progressive’s like me, it’s forecast to be a rough one who’s results may lead us backward as opposed to foreward.

And, once again, the South will lead us there.  We’ve always been good at looking fondly backward in the South–whether the facts support it or not.

That got me thinking.  Why is it the South is such a stronghold for the Republicans?  Here are my thoughts:

  1. The South is heavy with fundamentalists and evangelical religions.  These people have been played by the Republican Party like a cheap violin.  Here is what I would say to them:  Open your eyes.  Under Bush, the Republicans controlled the government and did not ban abortion or execute any of the other points of your agenda.  If they didn’t do it then, they won’t do it now.  They are using you.  Wise up.
  2. There is a history of Patriarchy in the South that is not dead.  The poor folks in the South have a genetic memory of listening to the Overseer or the Mill Boss.  They still follow the dictates of local political leaders with little thought.  They are used to being led without questions.  See:  The Civil War.
  3. Education is not really valued by a large portion of Southerners.  They are suspicious of the overly educated and think they don’t understand them.  The Republicans are very good at playing dumb and coming off as one of the “good ole boys” while they use the votes of the poor whites in the South to channel money and benefits to their rich friends on Wall Street.
  4. Southerners never look at anything too deeply.  That explains number 1, above, and a lot of other things about the South.  Introspection is not valued in the South.  Action is….The Republican’s play on this very well.
  5. Facts don’t mean much in the South.  Truth has always been conceptual rather than a reality.  Any region that can convince itself for over 150 years that the Civil War was about “states rights” rather than slavery is capable of any kind of self-delusion.
  6. States Rights are tied to the myth of the Old South, so the South tends to hate the idea of Big Government, even if they enjoy the benefits.  They can over look little things like Social Security, Medicare, new bridges and highways, insurance that covers pre-existing conditions and college kids.  They somehow don’t make the connection that the federal government provides these things…
  7. Southerners value personal freedom above all else, as long as you are a straight white man.
  8. The President is Black and he’s a Democrat.  To a large group of folks in the South, this alone is enough reason to vote Republican.  Although you may never get them to admit it…

What can Democrats do to change all this and win the South?

  1. Learn to fight.  The South and most of the Country values people who stand up for their principles.  The GOP has Balls and the Democrats have Brains.  You have to have both to win in the South.
  2. Push for independent, bipartisan redistricting commissions.
  3. Get out your message.  We’ve got to publicize the benefits of the legislation we do pass and how it helps the poor and middle class as opposed to the Rich.  The Democrats and The President have failed miserably at this for the last 2 years.  We have real achievements, but no one knows it.
  4. Take on the bullies at Fox News.  We have got to make people realize this is not a news organization, but a propaganda machine that provides entertainment to the ignorant.  We should be pushing companies not to advertise on Fox News.  We should be telling the Management to turn it off in Public places like restaraunts and gyms.
  5. Call a liar a liar.  This relates to number 1, but I can’t stress this enough.  The Republicans look right in the camera and lie.  And no one calls them on it.  We have to start making people aware that there are things called “Facts” and stand up for them.
  6. Make this about Class Warfare.  A class war is going on and most of the country doesn’t realized it.  And the Republicans started it.  Call’em on it.  While the top 1% of American households holds 34.6% of all privately-held wealth, for example, the bottom 80% (made up of salary workers) holds 14.9%.  Tax policy greatly benefits the wealthy and the Bush Tax Cuts need to end for this group.
  7. Make it clear:  Unless you have an individual income of greater than $200,000 or a combined Family income of over $300,000, there is absolutely no financial reason to vote for the Republicans.  If you want to vote for what is best for your pocketbook, vote for the Democrats.  They will- and have- cut your taxes, while the Republicans focus on the Corporations and the wealthy.
  8. Make Obama white.  That’s about the only way you can get about 35% of white Southerners to support the Democrats.  We have to focus on the remaining 65% of the South with open minds.
  9. Wait it out….The older, closed minded, prejudiced Southerners are dying off.  The younger ones are better educated and have seen more of the world.  Those are the Southern Democrats of tomorrow.
  10. Make your Democratic friends vote.  Even if you have to go to their house or job and throw them in the car and take them to the polls.  There are more Democrats than Republicans in many parts of the South.  The problem is Republicans always vote and Democrats don’t.  If more Democrats would actually just show up at the polls, we would win a lot more races.

Those are my thoughts for now.

All I have left to say is:

If you are a Democrat, get off your butt and vote.  There are no excuses.

If you are a Republican-why don’t you just book a spa day for Tuesday and let the election go?  You won’t be missed….


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